She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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