thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
