the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
