I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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