My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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