when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
