i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
