I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
