Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
