he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
