Well douche your snatch and let's go!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
