Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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