i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
