"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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