why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
