Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
