dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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