I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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