i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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