I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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