Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Every concussion has its silver lining
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
