I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
