Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
