What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
