It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
