look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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