thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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