she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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