sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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