He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.