While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face