So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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