not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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