just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
