I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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