So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize