and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
