Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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