If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
