I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
did i just pee glitter
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
