1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
