Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
