pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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