Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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