1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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