Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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