what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
