I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
