my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
