I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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