i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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