wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
