i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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