pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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