I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
