I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I touched a dick in church today
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
