Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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